Some time ago, when Facebook came out with its "Custom" gender category, some friends of mine were rallying us all to change our genders from Male or Female to one of the custom types, as a way of showing solidarity with people who can't easily assign themselves to a binary gender category. For example, the custom genders which apply to people who fit well into the traditional categories are "Cis Male" and "Cis Female."
So I went into the list to look for an appropriate gender. And found myself stymied. When the choice is binary, it's obvious which side of the boundary I fall on. I have never questioned the gender I was assigned at birth. But when gender is portrayed as a spectrum, I simply can't bring myself to identify as "Cis Female." There are far too many aspects of that gender role that just don't fit.
In the past I've simply copped an attitude about it: This is what a woman looks like. Get used to it. But now I've been presented with an actual choice. Eventually I changed my gender from "Female" to "Gender Non-Conforming," and called it done.
This morning I was editing my profile, and noticed it had reverted back to "Female" again, so I went back in and reinstated the new designation. And that got me thinking about it again.
What does it mean to be "Gender Non-Conforming"? To quote a smattering of online sources, gender non-conformity is "behaving or appearing in ways that are considered atypical for one's gender." A gender non-conformist's "behavior or gender expression. . .does not match cultural expectations about the gender roles typically associated with their sex assignment," and they "do not adhere to society's rules about dress and activities for people that are based on their sex."
That would be me, all right. I was a tomboy as a child. I hated playing with dolls. I am a scientist and an engineer. I have always been fiercely independent, and I desire an egalitarian relationship with my partner. I detest housework; I love to build things. And as for heels and makeup? wtf? It's true that I'm primarily attracted to men, but the men I'm attracted to are similarly outside the traditional norm. Big hunky guys are anathema to me: I prefer a mate who is thin, with delicate features and artistic sensibilities. And when I dance, I enjoy flirting with women as much as with men.
As a young adult I attended a pro-choice rally in NYC, and while I was there I bought a T-shirt. It was different from most of the pro-choice merchandise: rather than a specific reference to a woman's right to choose an abortion, it was emblazoned with the single word CHOICE.
Yep, I thought. That about sums it up.
yep, one size does not fit all and two constellations of preferences and interests fail to match the hands we have each been dealt.
ReplyDeleteI reckon there are 4 orientations, and dozens of skill/interest constellations ...you might just as well say all humans MUST be right handed if you are going to ignore the real spectrum of appetites that exist in each of the nominal genders.
There are zillions of good studies on the nonsense of "gender typical": http://pithingcontest.blogspot.com/2006/06/organic-behavior-no-fault-identities.html
'Gender non-conformist' sounds about right for me, too. My emotions seem to be pretty conventionally female, but I don't always pay much attention to my emotions.
ReplyDeleteI mostly focus on intellectual pursuits like reading and writing and internet. I'm good at math and building things, (I can put furniture together from kits). As a kid I liked climbing trees.
I also have some traditionally female interests (home-making, handicrafts, fine arts). But makeup and high heels just seem bizarre, with no appeal for me, even repellent. The people I've been most attracted to sexually have been guys, but the people with whom I form the closest friendships have been women.
My understanding of the science is that, for pretty much any characteristic where there's a gender difference, there is a broad spectrum of personalities & aptitudes with a median value for biological males that is slightly offset from the median value for biological females. The impact of gender roles is to narrow the spectrum and accentuate the differences between the genders, by socially penalizing behavior that falls in the overlapping end of the spectrum.
ReplyDeleteMe, I just want to be who I am and not worry about it.
bringing the "being authentically who I happen to be" thing up into the relationship arena, If someone is attracted to a put-on face, a conforming demureness, dictate of fashion or anything that tends to wash off when you are in the shower or near exhaustion at the end of too-long hike, how can anything but disappointment ensue?
ReplyDelete