God is Watching You

This is a reflection on self-awareness. There's something my mind does, on a regular basis, that really bothers me. I imagine someone noticing and admiring whatever I happen to be doing in the moment. I think when I was very young, I imagined that someone to be my mother. It certainly would have been a Good Thing, at that age, if she'd been watching me, and even better if she had felt admiring as she did so. So I imagine that I must, over time, have internalized my memories of the moments in which she actually was paying attention, and admiring me. And I must have merged those memories over time into a persistent 'other' who could watch me when she wasn't around to do so.

I suspect that Christians do the same thing, but imagine that 'other' to be God. I vaguely recall that I tried to imagine it that way in the days when I was trying on Christianity for size. These days, however, my tendency is to imagine the 'other' to be a romantic partner (one that is a good bit more attentive than any romantic partner I've ever actually had.)

But as a person who's entering the second half of my life, I find it embarrassing that I still have this habit of mind. It may feel satisfying when it's operating pre-consciously, but when I become aware of it I wince: it makes me seem so childish and self-absorbed.

In reality, this 'other' that I'm imagining is simply me, another part of my own mind, that is watching me from the outside while I act. Or, more accurate but more convoluted, it's simply me -- another part of my own mind -- imagining an 'other' watching me from the outside, while the me that I usually call me is doing whatever I happen to be doing in the moment. A self-conscious me, imagining me watching me. And then yet another me notices me imagining an 'other' watching me, and feels embarrassed. It leaves me wondering how many me's there are, sharing space in this mind of mine.

Even now, as I write this self-reflection, I'm imagining a reader reading it. Probably not admiringly, because it's pretty silly, but I can always hope....